I’ve always been very in tune with my emotions and I can often quickly recognize when something is “off”. The shower used to be an area that I considered my safe place. Somewhere I could just sit and have a good cry and process my emotions. Well, I realized something while showering this morning… I can’t remember the last time that I cried. It hasn’t been from a lack of trying either. Lately, I’ve been feeling tons of varying emotions—stress, gratitude, frustration, joy, etc. —but none of it is making its way to the surface (or at least from my eyes). I am (what I would consider) emotionally well, but it’s as if I subconsciously tucked my tears away.
Crying has many important applications and plays a vital role in emotional and physical health. It helps release built up emotions, reduces stress by flushing out cortisol and allows the body to reset emotionally (Gračanin et al., 2014). It also serves as a form of communication. It can be essential for processing grief and trauma. So why haven’t I been able to cry?
After a little reflecting, I remembered a reference to the eightfold fence from binge watching FX’s Shōgun and following it up by reading James Clavell’s book series.
It comes from one of the oldest known Japanese poems in the Kojiki. The eightfold fence was a metaphor for protection, enclosing the city of Nara as something sacred and cherished. It represented physical, spiritual, and emotional boundaries. The show and book Shōgun describes the eightfold fence through the character Mariko. For her, this fence is a mental coping mechanism taught to Japanese people, allowing them to separate personal emotions from duty.
Lately, I wonder if I’ve built one of my own. Not deliberately, but as a form of emotional self-defense. Something in me remains guarded and I can’t seem to pinpoint it.
There are several psychological and neurological explanations for why someone might stop crying, even when they feel emotional. Below are five factors that offer insight into this experience, both for myself and possibly for others.
1. Emotional Suppression: People who regularly suppress their emotions may find that over time, it becomes harder to express them physically. Crying, in particular, may stop altogether as a learned form of self-control. Research by Gross and John (2003) found that while emotional suppression decreases visible expression, it does not reduce emotional experience. The emotions remain present, just hidden from view.
2. Alexithymia: Alexithymia refers to the difficulty in identifying and articulating emotions. Individuals with this condition often feel emotional distress without the language or awareness to express it. This can prevent the physical release of crying. Studies have found that those with higher levels of alexithymia report fewer tears and more internalized stress (Luminet et al., 2004).
3. Emotional Blunting from Depression or Medication: Some people with depression, especially those on certain medications like SSRIs, experience emotional blunting. This is a numbing effect that can dull both positive and negative emotions. It often includes an inability to cry, even in emotionally charged situations (Price, Cole, & Goodwin, 2009).
4. Trauma and Dissociation: Trauma survivors may experience dissociation, which disconnects them from their emotions and bodies as a form of protection. Van der Kolk (2014) describes how the body can retain trauma while the mind remains detached, which can block the ability to cry even when the pain is still present.
5. Cultural and Social Conditioning: Many people are taught to suppress emotions like crying, especially in cultures where restraint is tied to honor. Fischer and Manstead (2000) found that social norms heavily influence emotional expression.
This is again seen in the character Mariko from James Clavell’s Shōgun, who maintains calm under immense personal conflict. She holds her emotions behind a composed exterior. Her restraint acts as a personal eightfold fence—protecting her dignity, but also isolating her. She learns to carry pain quietly for the sake of survival.
I feel like I can relate with Mariko to an extent. I feel a constant pressure to appear strong, capable, and composed despite living with chronic pain. Crying feels like it might unravel the balance I’ve worked hard to maintain (which may be why I’ve previously found solace in the isolation of my shower).
Maybe this post is a small act of opening a gate. An acknowledgment that the fence is there, and it has served its purpose, but it has also kept me at a distance from something very human. There is a lot of power in self reflection. I’m hoping for a good cry session soon.
References
Fischer, A. H., & Manstead, A. S. R. (2000). The relation between gender and emotions in different cultures. In A. H. Fischer (Ed.), Gender and emotion: Social psychological perspectives (pp. 71–94). Cambridge University Press. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1017/CBO9780511628191.005
Gračanin, A., Bylsma, L. M., & Vingerhoets, A. J. (2014). Is crying a self-soothing behavior?. Frontiers in psychology, 5, 502. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00502
Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348
Luminet, O., Rimé, B., Bagby, R. M., & Taylor, G. J. (2004). A multimodal investigation of emotional responding in alexithymia. Cognition & Emotion, 18(6), 741–766. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1080/02699930341000275
Price, J., Cole, V., & Goodwin, G. M. (2009). Emotional side-effects of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors: qualitative study. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 195(3), 211–217. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.bp.108.051110
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-44678-000